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My Friends are Mortified

“Jane, you are not going to write about this in the paper, are you?”
“Yes I am. I just can’t help it.” I said. “Everyone, demo-graphically speaking has had one and they tell you about it. Just say the word and they will share their experience.”
What is the word? The dreaded colonoscopy.
I plunged/drank myself into the experience we should all heed if one cares about maintaining good health.
God bless Tommy Stone when he handed me the massive plastic jug with four flavored packets. The first thing I thought of was how nice to have this plastic jug for watering my plants. Then I asked the question, “Tommy which flavor is the best?” Tommy wisely answered, “The flavor you kinda like. Don’t use the flavor you really like since after drinking the four liter jug you will hate the sight, smell and taste of that flavor forever.” I thought how great if the “flavor people” could come up with a flavor called, Chocolate Delight or Little Debbie Nutter Butter.
Four o’clock. The day before. The process begins. Six o’clock, the drinking process continues. I learned that Tommy was right and the best way to stomach the drink was to chase it with lime jello. I do not know if there is any significance to this but nothing happened until the phone rang. It was Michele Satcher. She said in her cheerful way, “How’s IT going?” Then IT happened. For some strange reason, I was most appreciative. So for help in getting things going, call 1-800-MICHELE.
The next morning we checked into the Center and I noticed the first visual when we walked into the building were restrooms. Smart.
I got “tagged” and Thomas and I were waiting patiently as the folks flocked in. All was well until a very loud, overly excited woman ran in and said, “Mary gone back yet? She didn’t cancel again, did she?” The woman continued, “Oh, Lawd. I told her not to worry but ever since her cousin passed she did not want to have it done.” As we say in the speaking business, some people just don’t know their audience.
JANE HERLONG. My turn. Thomas said. “Have fun.”
The doctor was very nice. Then it was my turn to chat with the anesthesiologist. He was from Peru and had the thickest accent I have every heard. Not until I heard him interview the third person did I realize what the questions were he asked me. The anesthesiologist reminded me of that episode of Seinfeld with the Soup Nazi. “YOU SMOKE?” YOU HAVE DENTURES? YOU PREGNANT? NO ANESTHESIA FOR YOU!
I entertained myself by listening to my curtain mates. The woman on my right had taken a Valium and the woman on my left took Paxil. Like their colon decided to keep those pills and get rid of everything else.
I woke up and tried to take in the results. I was so drowsy as the doctor talked with me and Thomas. My mind tried to relate to what he was saying and all I could think of was the Luge track at the Olympics.
The day ended (no play on words) with a gold medal finish. Thomas took me to IHOP and I ordered their Golden Breakfast. Hopefully, this experience will not be like the Luge competition and require the best out of two.

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