Proverbs 31 Woman Renovated (Part 1 of 3)

Jane Herlong Books

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30 NIV)

The woman described in Proverbs 31 is amazing. As I read this Scripture passage, I believe that she is a combination of the following: CEO, CFO, EMT, PhD, RN, psychologist, veterinarian, domestic engineer, hot mama, gourmet chef, athletic coach, shuttle driver, real estate diva, tutor, master gardener, Marine drill sergeant, pharmacist, Mother Teresa, and a splash of Oprah.

Okay, I am having massive guilt. Is this woman for real? I thought about my life as I try to achieve the Proverbs 31 Woman status and came up with a more modern version than the one provided in the King James Version of the Bible. I hope you find some humor and insight in my translation.

Verse 10: “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.”

It is hard to find a good woman. Her price is above everything that sparkles and shines. If she were getting paid for being a stay-at-home mom, she would earn an annual salary of $118,109.41

Verse 11: “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.”

Her husband loves her to death, and when food spoils in the fridge, he cleans it and doesn’t lecture her when green stuff forms on food because he knows she is doing 1,000 things at once.

Verse 12: “She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.”

She will be wonderful to her hubby and, like Tammy Wynette, will stand by her man. But you better not hang out too much with the guys or especially other chicks because some women like to break up marriages just ’cause they can. Bottom line—don’t make Mama mad. #scornedwoman

Verse 13: “She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.”

She goes to Walmart, the mall, or shops online. Some of us don’t work well with our hands, but we love manicures. Does that count?

Verse 14: “She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.”

Like the grocery store buggy, she transports her food or opens her shipment of meals from Simply Fresh delivered by FedEx. It does come from afar. She may think about growing a garden, or at least talk about it.

Verse 15: “She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.”

She rises in the night, is exhausted, and breastfeeds her child or helps when they throw up. She makes sure her household appliances are in working order since these are her servants.

> This is an excerpt from my book, Rhinestones On My Flip-Flops, which you can WIN by entering my Facebook contest. Details here.


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