Red Hot Romance in the Rural South

Humor is everywhere, you just have to keep your eyes and ears open. Like I have always said, you can make this stuff up.

I was speaking in a small town outside of Winchester, Virginia, around Valentine’s Day, and I mentioned to the audience that it warms a wife’s heart to be given fancy lingerie. After the program, a sweet young woman approached me and said how glad she was I had made that suggestion. “My husband only buys me them Hanes Her Way drawers that come up real high. They is nice drawers, but I sure would like some of them fancy high-cut drawers. The only thing I got in my house that is French-cut is my green beans.”

In our small church, Harmony United Methodist, we have cast of entertaining characters, more specifically, Walker and Suzy. At one of our church circle meetings, Suzie entertained the group, speaking in her wonderful Southern drawl, about how Walker celebrates Valentine’s Day. “Now, Walker does not care much to celebrate the normal holiday and birthday stuff that other people do. But, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, he goes all out. Last year, he served me breakfast in bed with his delicious pancakes. Then he said he had a special treat for me outside. You know what he did? He wrote WALKER LOVES SUZIE with Roundup Weed and Grass Killer in the field behind our house. You would have to fly over it to get the full effect. He is so sweet.”

To celebrate Valentine’s Day Harmony UMC, we invited one of our favorite preachers to deliver after dinner speech.  His stories are always funny, but one of his tales became my favorite.

A young man and his family moved to a small southern community. The first week of school, this youngster became smitten with one of his classmates. Every time she glanced his way, his face turned red and he could feel his heart pounding in his adolescent chest.  Then came the thrill of his young life—she invited him to join her family for Valentine’s Day supper (for those not from the South, this is our meal at night).  

Well, he knew what to do next.  He went to the local pharmacy and decided to buy three boxes of candy—small, medium and large.

Upon check out, the pharmacist said, “Wow, you must be popular with the ladies.” 

“No,” replied the young man.  “Just one.”

“So,” the pharmacist continued, “this young lady will get all three boxes of candy?”  

Not knowing the pharmacist, he decided to share his plan.

“Well, I am invited to her home for Valentine’s Day.  And if she just holds my hand, I will give her the small box candy. If she kisses me on the cheek, I will give her the medium box. But if she keeps on kissing, I will give her the big box of candy,” explained the young Romeo.

The much-anticipated evening arrived.  As the family sat down to enjoy the meal, the father asked the young man to return thanks. Surprisingly, his prayer seemed to last forever.

After the meal, the young lady commented, “Wow, I had not idea you were so religious!” 

“Well,” replied the young man. “I had no idea your father was the pharmacist.”

Jane Jenkins Herlong is a Sirius XM Humorist, international award-winning author, professional singer, recording artist and award-winning professional speaker.A recent inductee into the prestigious Speaker Hall of Fame, Jane is one of the 232 men and women to be awarded this honor. 

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